Those Near-Death Decisions
by BonesBird
Summary: After the events of "Observer Effect", Jon realises it's time he makes his decisions about his personal life clearer, the first of them being telling the love of his life that he still wanted to be with her, and that he was an idiot for letting her go the first time.


**And another one moved over from AO3.**

**Shin xx**

* * *

Jonathan Archer couldn't sleep. In the four hours since Phlox had released him, Hoshi and Trip back to their quarters he had tried to sleep, tried counting sheep. He'd tried everything he could think of, but one thought kept going around his mind, and that stopped him from sleeping. He couldn't tear his mind away from Erika. What would she have thought had he died. He would have never had the opportunity to clarify things with her. He didn't even know if she would want anything to do with him, but he needed to try. If only for his own peace of mind. He sat up, reaching for the commpanel on his headboard.

"Archer to the Bridge."

"Bridge here sir." Came the voice of the beta shift comm officer, he was certain that she would be discreet about his asking for a late night call to be put through to their sister ship. He just knew he needed to speak to Erika, and he needed to do it now.

"Donna, do you think you could track down Captain Hernandez for me. If she's not on _Columbia_ at spacedock I'll leave you her address." He typed it in on the panel, almost certain that somehow Donna would be able to find her.

"What should I tell her, sir?" She asked, a perfectly reasonable request, especially if he was calling her for a professional reason. The reason wasn't professional though, and he was certain that Erika would probably be busy, so a generic message would be best.

"Just that I need to speak to her, if she's busy get her to give me a call back. I'll be here." He thumbed the comm off and laid back again, staring at the ceiling and thinking everything over. This was a hugely important step he was taking, but he also knew it was a necessary one. He wanted to get this out, now, while he was still thinking about it. His latest near death experience had served to show him something his mother had been trying to beat into him for the last few years. He wasn't getting any younger, and he needed to make a decision in his life about things outside of Starfleet, and this was the first choice, the first decision. He was still musing when he heard the comm system beep. He leant up and pressed the contact. Smiling as the harried visage of Captain Erika Hernandez filled the small desktop monitor in his quarters.

"Jonathan, your comm officer made it sound important." She ran her fingers through her hair, and a quick look around her made him realise she was in her apartment and the bedclothes made it clear that he had gotten her out of bed.

"I'm not disrupting anything am I?" He asked, even though he was fairly sure he already knew the answer to that.

"Oh no, it's not like I'm trying to launch my ship soon and I need sleep." Her sarcastic response confirmed that she'd been asleep, and he felt bad for waking her.

"Sorry." He muttered, trying to look appropriately apologetic.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm just stressed. It's nice to hear from you." She smiled at him, and he felt a little better, at least she wasn't going to hold it against him. "What's up?"

He debated what he should say, he couldn't just dive into the conversation he wanted, but he also didn't want to dance around pleasantries. If he did that he would lose his nerve, so instead he went down the truthful path.. "It's been a weird couple of days, and I just suddenly really needed to talk to you."

"Jon?" She asked, an unreadable look crossing her face. He took a breath and pushed himself to the edge of the bed so he could be a little closer to the screen.

"We were exploring a colony. Hoshi and Trip picked up a disease. Silicon based and impossible for Phlox to treat. We almost lost them both-"

"You got yourself infected, didn't you?" She interrupted him, and he felt like his jaw hit the floor. How did she always know. Every time he'd done something over all the years they'd known each other, she'd known, and he'd had to try and defend himself.

"How did you know?"

"Because I know you." She said simply, and he wasn't sure how he should take that. He was almost certain it wasn't an insult, but not quite a compliment either. He stood up, pacing slightly, if only because he knew what he needed to say, but it wasn't coming out the way

"I was in sickbay, with Trip and Hoshi, and I swear they were dead. I was next and all I could think about was how I was letting you down, and the awful video that Starfleet would give you." He shook his head remembering the things he'd said in that recording. It wasn't what he'd ever want anyone to see. It was actually the first thing he had done when he couldn't sleep. Re-record that damn message. "I couldn't stop thinking about how I was so scared to get something I want that I pushed you away, and told you that I didn't want a relationship." This was what he needed to say, and he hoped she would listen.

"Jonathan-" She started, but he had too much to tell her, he wasn't ready for her to just tell him to sleep and cut off this conversation.

"No, Rike. Listen. I was lying. I only said what I said because I'm afraid of losing you, and I was so sure, back then, that I didn't deserve anyone to love me, especially not someone like you." That was something he was terrified about, she was so much more than he had deserved years ago, and nothing had changed in the intervening years to convince him that he deserved her. It hadn't mattered to him that she had searched him out that day, that she had made the first move, the she had made it clear she still loved him, still wanted to be with him. They had spent a lot of time together even after the climbing trip, in the week before _Enterprise_ had left again, but he had never taken back those words. That damn 'Climbers' code'.

He realised the Erika was watching him, waiting for him to return to this conversation instead of reliving that mistake. "I don't think you could have ever stopped me from loving you, Jon." She said, and he could see the honesty, and he once again wondered what had convinced this woman that he was worthy of her. "But you were saying about sickbay." She prompted, and he realised he'd lost track of his story.

"Yes. I was there, and I was sure I was dying. So all I did was think of you and I just wanted to tell you right now how much I love you, and how much I regret what I said. I swear I will never ask you for anything else, but I have to know, is there a chance for us? Even if it's the smallest chance in the universe."

"Jonathan. Take a breath and let me talk." Erika's smile finally reached her eyes, and he was amazed at the patience she was showing him.

"Sorry."

"You've had a bad day, a hard day from the sounds of it-"

"Erika, don't try and write off what I'm saying. I mean every word of it." He said again, and he realised he might have finally pushed her a little too far, as she just glared at him for a moment.

"Will you stop it." She snapped, and that was the clearest indication that he'd been right. He had pushed her a little too far with his interrupting.

"Sorry."

"Jon. I've known you for more than 14 years, and I've loved you that entire time. Don't think for a second that I haven't, and I thought I said everything on the mountain. You're not my superior any more." He did remember that conversation, but that had been the first time he'd deflected from her. He had no idea how wrong he had been with that decision. "There are a million things I could say, but I don't want to say them over the comm. Maybe Columbia will be ready to launch soon, and we'll be able to meet with you." That was something he could look forward too, and the smile on her face told him that maybe she was looking forward to that too. He did miss her, he had missed her for the 4 years they'd barely spoken, only sending letters. Now though, he missed her more. Maybe it was still just the emotions.

"_Enterprise_ is on her way home, anyway. Recalled for a diplomatic mission." He said, and he watched her grin falter just a little.

"Probably the one I was supposed to run. Tellarites to Babel One?"

"That was supposed to be yours?"

"Yeah. _Columbia_ is having some engine trouble. I'll explain that, and more, when you get back to Earth." She managed to make that sound like a promise, one he would have to hold her too, he was about to close of the channel when she spoke again. "And in response to your question. I'd say there is a very very good chance."

"I'll see you soon, then?" He asked, his mood buoyed completely by the conversation. It had been exactly what he needed.

"I'll be waiting, Jon. Don't let me down."

"Never again, that's a promise."

"I'll hold you to that." She smiled as she leant forward and ended the comm. He laid back on the bed, stroking Porthos as he came and laid beside him. He had known this was something he needed to do. He would be able to sleep now, knowing that Erika felt the same for him. He had loved her for as long as they'd known one another, and his occasional flings had almost always ended up with him regretting it, and thinking about her again. He started, finally, dozing off to sleep, the relief comforting him more than anything else.


End file.
